09 September, 2004
To the top of the world (nearly!) and back again, all for a carton of milk.
Like Hunter S Thompson, I see no reason why I shouldn't reproduce my writing in endless publications, so, for posterity, here's that stupid email I wrote back in May, when I'd just received 4 group emails from friends traveling the world. My usual ascerbic style is in evidence:
Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 12:20:44
All
Apologies for the group email, but you’ll all just have to live with it; I do. I realise I’ve been a bit incommunicado recently as I have been in the wilderness known as “Guernsey” celebrating the Island people’s little known festival “Liberation Day”. It is interesting to see how they celebrate, with quaint local customs like dancing, BBQs, fornication and drinking the local brew: “alcohol”. Of course I had little difficulty fitting in with the locals and enjoyed most of their customs.
I am writing a compendium of my travels, called “Trips to the other side (of Bedminster Parade).” Here’s an exerpt, relating a recent episode:
2/5/04 Mission to Asda #4821
Woke up with stinking hangover and discovered with horror that had run out of milk. Decided only possible course of action was mission to Asdaaawl to purchase more. Speed was of the essence as was hungry, needed cup of tea and knew if spent too long in there on weekend may never get out alive. Prepared for mission with pre-emptive piss (to avoid using anti-skagaddict blue-lighted shop facilities) and by gathering together essentials (mobile, money, keys).
Set out on momentus trek, but failed to inform Dave. This would have been sensible, as will become clear later. Always good idea to inform house-mate before embarkation, incase unforseen incidents occur or search parties are needed. Crossing of road went without hitch. Green man already lit when arrived at crossing. Near perfect execution of “crossing the road” and in record time if not mistaken. Passing McDonald’s almost ended in disaster when noticed lack of queue, but was driven away at last moment by grotesque obese woman behind counter. MSG addiction requires further work. (Possible future course: find out obese woman’s shift pattern and only pass McDonalds when she’s on, thus always be repulsed).
Joined human-converbelt for long trip to other side of shop, passing through the lush valley of pet-food and through the exotic glade of curry sauces, before arriving at destination: milk section. Selected 4 pint semi-skimmed and took secret short cut through little-known cosmetics ailse to “under ten items check-out”. Many wonderous sites were seen on way – students purchasing asda value price goods, kids trying to climb shelves, old ladies in motorised shopping chariots. Also witnessed obligatory child-being-smacked-performance and “Asda-Ace” cleaning code-3 incident in milk ailse.
Negotiations over the price of the milk were simple enough. Have come to find local dialect easy to understand, and occasionally pleasant (in humorous way). After earlier McDonald’s scare was more prepared this time and managed to get out of shop fairly easily. Had to wait for green man, but got home safe and sound. Arrived home triumphant in conquest, only to be informed by Dave that we had no bread, and I should have got some!!! Nightmare!!! If only I’d been a good expeditionist and informed Dave of my mission! The bread mission (#4822), of course, is another story.
Hope you are all well. Jealous of everyone doing real travelling. Sorry about that, it was all just silly jealous bitterness.
Tom
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Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 12:20:44
All
Apologies for the group email, but you’ll all just have to live with it; I do. I realise I’ve been a bit incommunicado recently as I have been in the wilderness known as “Guernsey” celebrating the Island people’s little known festival “Liberation Day”. It is interesting to see how they celebrate, with quaint local customs like dancing, BBQs, fornication and drinking the local brew: “alcohol”. Of course I had little difficulty fitting in with the locals and enjoyed most of their customs.
I am writing a compendium of my travels, called “Trips to the other side (of Bedminster Parade).” Here’s an exerpt, relating a recent episode:
2/5/04 Mission to Asda #4821
Woke up with stinking hangover and discovered with horror that had run out of milk. Decided only possible course of action was mission to Asdaaawl to purchase more. Speed was of the essence as was hungry, needed cup of tea and knew if spent too long in there on weekend may never get out alive. Prepared for mission with pre-emptive piss (to avoid using anti-skagaddict blue-lighted shop facilities) and by gathering together essentials (mobile, money, keys).
Set out on momentus trek, but failed to inform Dave. This would have been sensible, as will become clear later. Always good idea to inform house-mate before embarkation, incase unforseen incidents occur or search parties are needed. Crossing of road went without hitch. Green man already lit when arrived at crossing. Near perfect execution of “crossing the road” and in record time if not mistaken. Passing McDonald’s almost ended in disaster when noticed lack of queue, but was driven away at last moment by grotesque obese woman behind counter. MSG addiction requires further work. (Possible future course: find out obese woman’s shift pattern and only pass McDonalds when she’s on, thus always be repulsed).
Joined human-converbelt for long trip to other side of shop, passing through the lush valley of pet-food and through the exotic glade of curry sauces, before arriving at destination: milk section. Selected 4 pint semi-skimmed and took secret short cut through little-known cosmetics ailse to “under ten items check-out”. Many wonderous sites were seen on way – students purchasing asda value price goods, kids trying to climb shelves, old ladies in motorised shopping chariots. Also witnessed obligatory child-being-smacked-performance and “Asda-Ace” cleaning code-3 incident in milk ailse.
Negotiations over the price of the milk were simple enough. Have come to find local dialect easy to understand, and occasionally pleasant (in humorous way). After earlier McDonald’s scare was more prepared this time and managed to get out of shop fairly easily. Had to wait for green man, but got home safe and sound. Arrived home triumphant in conquest, only to be informed by Dave that we had no bread, and I should have got some!!! Nightmare!!! If only I’d been a good expeditionist and informed Dave of my mission! The bread mission (#4822), of course, is another story.
Hope you are all well. Jealous of everyone doing real travelling. Sorry about that, it was all just silly jealous bitterness.
Tom
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